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POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS TIDINGS

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On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous
relationship gave to me,
    
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
    
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up
of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called
for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to
play a note),
    
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
    
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
    
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
    
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
    
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,
    
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
    
  (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
   to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens
   and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat.  To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

    
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
    
THREE deconstructionist poets
    
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
    
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
    
    
   Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all . . .
    
        A N D
    
    A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferrable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
    
    This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

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