| December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray -paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. |
| December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. |
| December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. |
| December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. |
| December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. |
| December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. |
| December 7 - Debug Windows 2000 |
| December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony. |
| December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones. |
| December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. |
| December 11 - Lay Faberge egg. |
| December 12 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using springwater I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album. |
| December 13 - Collect
Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. |
| December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house. |
| December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. |
| December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. |
| December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs
so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. |
| December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. |
| December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. |
| December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank. |
| December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas. |
| December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. |
| December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. |
| December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. |
| December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God. |
| December 28 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. |
| December 29 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages. |
| December 30 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace. |
| December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight! |
| Relax |
