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Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

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December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray -paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 8 - Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
December 9 - Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Erect ice skating rink in front yard using springwater I bottled myself.  Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.
December 13 - Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.
December 29 - Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I wove myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
December 30 - Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
December 31 - New Year's Eve!   Give  staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight!